I can feel it

So much to say. Why do I wait so long between posts? I guess it’s because so often I feel that I have nothing of importance to offer so I recoil. Now, tonight I could write three or four posts. Hmm, maybe I will despite the fact that it’s 1:19 a.m.

I’m thinking I’ve found my calling. I went to an adoption symposium tonight and it was wonderful. I only went to one breakout session but it was interesting. As I sat there and listened to the speakers I thought, “I can do this”. Basically, they told their stories and gave their opinions. Isn’t that what This is My Lemonade is all about? Isn’t that what I’m doing with this blog? With Facebook?

I harbor no illusions. I would also like this potential opportunity to turn into something profitable so I can start generating income and support myself. But that is not my main thrust. When I look back at my life, I understand that I have evolved to this point because it’s who I am. I am relational; that is my priority. It’s never been money no matter how often I excoriate myself for such. I will never be wealthy or influential to any large degree. I am okay with that. But I would at least like to feel like I’m accomplishing something, like I’m making a difference.

I’m already scheduled to attend two more adoption functions and I’m psyched. It’s fascinating being around all these people who have experienced adoption in some form or fashion–adoptees, adoptive parents, birth parents. Everyone has their own story. Although I’ve always known that adoption is a huge issue and impacts literally millions, I’ve always faced it alone. How exciting to mingle with people who “get it”.

And I truly think that this will be beneficial for me. I want to meet other adult adoptees who have met their families. I want to know their experiences and how they’ve dealt with rejection, abuse, grief. I want them to hear my story. I want that sense of community that comes when you’re with other people who have walked a mile in the shoes you’re wearing.

It’s funny, but I never realized until tonight that I’ve traversed this journey completely alone. I had no one that I could go to who would understand. No solace from someone in the same boat. I had to blaze my own trail. My journey started when adoption still had a certain level of gaucherie. It was still swept under the rug. Now I understand why everyone was so flabbergasted when I started my sojourn and was so open about it.

But there was no one to guide me, and I started at a tender age–18. I was a kid. Didn’t know shit from shinola. Still don’t to a certain degree. Nowadays there are all these seminars, groups, organizations, websites. I have to admit that I’m kinda pissed. Why couldn’t any of this be around when I started searching? Why couldn’t there have been any support when I was struggling?

You know, I’m REALLY pissed. I guess I just don’t understand why I’ve never had what I needed to help me through things. Why did I always just miss out? Sometimes it feels like a conspiracy in the heavens even though I know it isn’t. I don’t believe in victimhood, but there’s a very real part of me that wants to lick my wounds and have someone take over for awhile.

But that won’t happen. I’ve made it this far and I will continue the trek. I really feel I have no choice. I’m compelled. There’s something inside that pushes me. An obsession? A need? Even though I want to be pissed, I truly don’t have the time. When I stop and think, I get irked but I don’t dwell on it because there’s something else out there. Something bigger. I can feel it.

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