I’m certainly uncertain

I feel really self-conscious. I’ve only done three radio interviews, yet I’m already feeling uncomfortable. And I have another upcoming radio interview, plus who knows how many more that I might get. Today I visited two television stations in the Portland area. I’m also planning on visiting TV stations in Bend, Eugene and Medford.

And if I get interviews with each of them, I will feel self-conscious. Why? Because I feel like I’m repeating myself. And, truth be told, I AM repeating myself. I can’t help it. Each independent endeavor requires the same questions to be asked to me resulting in the same answers. And that makes me feel somewhat embarrassed.

Yet I should not feel so. I mean, come on, each audience in each city is different. It’s not like people are driving from city to city to listen to each interview. But it just feels somehow a bit, oh, inauthentic. Is this what the creative realm is like?

Even if the creative realm is like this, it’s no big deal. When I worked in the corporate world, I gave the same training or sales speech over and over. After years I had perfected them. What’s wrong with now?

Perhaps it is because I’m talking about something so intensely personal. Something that is very important to me, that I truly hope will resonate with people and touch their lives. By “marketing” myself I feel somehow like I’m cheapening it. Yet if you look at late night talk shows, they are full of celebrities moving from one show to the next to sell their movie, memoir, concert tour or television show.

I also think that there’s another issue. Prior to these radio/TV gigs, I was just having readings/book signings. They were hard enough to accommodate. Now, already, I’m dealing with the media which means that things could actually, truly get bigger. Maybe even BIG. And that frightens me. Not that I wouldn’t be able to handle it; I believe I would. I have a hard time accepting success. What would I do if I achieved it? As I’ve said before, I would have to admit that I’m OK and that I’ve actually accomplished something. And, as any abuse victim can attest, it’s difficult to accept positive things about yourself. It’s comfortable to remain quivering in the shadows, believing that you’re worthless and have no use. I think that will be the most difficult aspect to conquer.


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