The thrill is gone…or is it?

It’s been nine days since I gave my notice at work and started down this frightening, yet exhilaratingly unknown path. I’ve been jazzed and encouraged and I’ve felt completely confident.

I knew it wouldn’t last! Although, to my credit, I’m not down in the dumps. Reality is just setting in, that’s all. It’s the same reality I felt when the book was available—I realized the sales were going to be real small and might never be huge. In the case of this decision to pursue writing, it’s the realization that I’m facing enormous odds.

Yet the fear is always overcome by the possibilities. It’s overcome by my newly found confidence in my intelligence and abilities. It’s overcome by all the opportunities facing my to get this facet of my life going.

I’ve found in the past that the times I’ve been most invigorated have been the times when I’ve jumped out of my comfort zone and just done something challenging. Meeting my biological family was probably the first time I did so. Picking up and moving to California when I had no job and almost no money was another. I can think of others but there’s no reason to beat the point to death.

And that’s what I’m feeling now, an excitement to be alive, to be challenged, to have something to pursue without a safety net. It is a bit chilling, at fifty-four, to be doing this. But I have this innate confidence that it’s going to work out.

I’ve been going over in my mind how everything seems to have converged—I have no one to care for anymore with my adoptive parents and biological father now deceased. I have this money that allows me a certain freedom to take this chance. I feel liberated from the abuse thrust upon me by my biological father. Liberated so much that I’m once again discovering the person I used to be—more happy, more confident and wanting to see what the world has to offer. Those feelings were squelched for decades because life got in the way. They’re flourishing again like wildflowers after a spring rain. And I feel their beauty in my soul.

I’m getting more and more accolades from people about my decision. I sometimes think that many of them have misread my Facebook post. I’m going to try to remain in Italy. It sounds like everyone has me moved there already! I must admit, the more I think about it, the more I’m motivated to do it. I spoke with my cousin, Sergio, last night and he’s surprised at my drive and my decision but he totally supports me. I would like to have something to pursue once I’m in Italy. I’d like to be able to get an interview with a local newspaper or radio station (my other cousin, Maurizio, would have to translate) and promote this as a sort of long-lost- Italian-son-comes-home type of story. And to do it at Christmas? How meaningful would that be?

After talking to Sergio, I had to admit that I felt a bit down. Sergio is the V.P. of HR for Fiat. He is traveling to Russia and Serbia as Fiat enters those markets. There’s a possibility he could be transferred to America since Fiat owns Chrysler (wouldn’t that be the ultimate irony?). In talking to him and in talking about my brother, I found myself feeling somewhat like a little boy who’s running after his older brothers, wanting desperately to play with the big boys. Even though I’m older than my brother by three years and older than Sergio by just over ten years, sometimes I feel like I can’t keep up. But that is becoming less of an issue now. Even if I move to Italy and get a regular job allowing me to remain there, I will feel like the biggest success in the world because I will be with my family, exulting in my culture. I feel I belong there.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s