I was going to post this on Facebook, but sometimes I fear people are ready to barf up their dinner with another Lemonade posting. Although, come to think of it, this will show up on Facebook! Who am I kidding?
Anyway, I’ve got a four day weekend to get this launch going. Today I met with my good friend, Deb, for insight and to discuss her duties as MC. I also asked another friend’s daughter to handle book sales that night. And I went to Cypress restaurant in Oregon City to finalize things with the owner–and give him a copy of the book, gratis. He’s been phenomenal during this whole thing and is bending over backward to accommodate me. I feel very confident things will go well.
Nevertheless (there’s that alternative attitude I always have), there’s always things that hit my mind. This time, not really negative. I just find myself dealing with something I’ve never had to really face–outwardly complimenting myself. I am having to understand and learn that I need to start looking at myself in a different light. I need to start looking at myself in a positive light.
For decades I have stayed in the shadows, unwilling to promote myself or step forward to claim the life that God has for me. I’ve been convinced there is nothing more out there, nothing better for me, nothing greater that I can accomplish. Now, the scales are slowly falling from my eyes and I’m seeing the potential.
I think that this realization speaks volumes about the ramifications of abuse. For decades I was abused mercilessly by my biological father. Yet I kept going back in pathetic attempts to curry his favor, to get his acceptance. I never got it. And what I have is 30+ years of memories, grief and pain to show for it. Yet, I also have strength that comes from the knowledge that I did my best. I grew up; I helped take care of him when he was sick and I was there for him and my brother. I keep asking God when it’s my “turn”. I think I’m experiencing it now.