Why?

I’ve been watching my father’s funeral on the funeral home’s website. The funeral home gave me and my brother a DVD for our personal use, but the quality isn’t as good. The website’s quality is much better.

I had quit watching the funeral because I felt I had my closure. But, for some reason, now I’m watching it more again. I guess the closure isn’t complete.

I think I’m looking for answers to some sentiments I can’t articulate. To a degree I almost feel like an outsider giving my eulogy in that video. Yet my brother told me during that time that my appearance in their family in 1978 completed them. That blew me away. To think I was the missing piece to the puzzle is flattering. Thank God no one said that when I was nineteen. I think it would have been too much to accommodate. Hell, it’s a lot to accommodate now.

And maybe that’s part of the problem. I’ve never been comfortable with where I fit in that family. In my adoptive family I had no problem with my identity. But in my biological family I did. Was I accepted or not? Was I a prince or a bastard? I’m still not sure if I know.

There are other issues, too, that I will comment upon soon. Now is just not the time. I think I’ll watch the funeral again.