Just call me a tease

Yes, I’m going to tease all of you right now. My dear friend Greg, who I respect tremendously, has helped me with my website http://www.thisismylemonade.com. On this site, one can read not only the prologue, but the first chapter–yet an additional glimpse into the book that is coming soon.

My website has a guest book for visitors to sign as well as a place for people to contact me if they’d like. When the book is completed, there will be a direct link to my page on the Amazon.com website for purchase of a copy of the book.

I would like to encourage everyone who goes onto my website to sign my guest book so I can get an idea of the reach of my site. And I would LOVE to hear what you think so far. I’ve got thick skin so I can take constructive criticism! Since not many people read my blog, I will be posting this info on Facebook, too. Thank you for reading!

Miscellaneous

I’m reading this manuscript for the five millionth time.  CreateSpace has just sent the proof electronically.  In a few days I’ll receive the physical proof to look over for pagination, fonts, cover art, etc.  It seems to be slowly getting there.

It’s funny, as I re-read this book yet again, I find myself re-living so many things, but in different ways.  Perhaps this book is more for m than anyone else.

Today marks exactly six months since the death of my father.  He died on Saturday, October 27, 2012 and today is Saturday, April, 27, 2013.  It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time passes–and how, no matter who we are, we fade into the past.  Sometimes I think the world should stop.  Even when it does “stop” for a major personality, Margaret Thatcher, for instance, it isn’t long before we all move on.  Especially in this day and age, it seems we are all more or less reduced to some form of irrelevancy with social media, 24-hour news and the Internet.  There’s always something new to attract our attention.

Anyway, my web page should be updated this week.  Can’t wait.  For those of you interested, you will be able to read a bit more than just the prologue.  The first chapter will also be available.  There will be a Calendar of Events and a Home Page as well as a place to leave commentary.  And, most importantly, my picture will be on it!  Do I hear gagging??

Why?

I’ve been watching my father’s funeral on the funeral home’s website. The funeral home gave me and my brother a DVD for our personal use, but the quality isn’t as good. The website’s quality is much better.

I had quit watching the funeral because I felt I had my closure. But, for some reason, now I’m watching it more again. I guess the closure isn’t complete.

I think I’m looking for answers to some sentiments I can’t articulate. To a degree I almost feel like an outsider giving my eulogy in that video. Yet my brother told me during that time that my appearance in their family in 1978 completed them. That blew me away. To think I was the missing piece to the puzzle is flattering. Thank God no one said that when I was nineteen. I think it would have been too much to accommodate. Hell, it’s a lot to accommodate now.

And maybe that’s part of the problem. I’ve never been comfortable with where I fit in that family. In my adoptive family I had no problem with my identity. But in my biological family I did. Was I accepted or not? Was I a prince or a bastard? I’m still not sure if I know.

There are other issues, too, that I will comment upon soon. Now is just not the time. I think I’ll watch the funeral again.

Don’t forget; it’s gonna happen!

OK. Another step accomplished. Today I received another mock-up and it looked great. So, the next step is the manuscript which is uploading as I write this. With my ancient computer, it should finish some time after the Second Coming of Christ. CreateSpace will then build the proof and send it to me within the next ten days. It will then be up to me to go over the proof page by page looking at fonts, typos, pagination, photos, the cover and anything else. Considering that I’ve edited this thing about three dozen times, I don’t expect a lot of typos, at least. I’m hoping that everything is spot on. My understanding is that, if the proof is okay, it will take them three days to process everything and create a web page for me on Amazon where the book can be purchased.

From that point, things will move fast. I’ll have to schedule the Oregon City book launch and the Salem book launch, contact radio stations, newspapers, etc. Gonna be a lot of work, but I’m starting to get more excited.

I also have a very good friend from my church embellishing my Lemonade website for me. I will include on it the prologue and first chapter; there will be a link to this blog, Twitter and Facebook as well as a place for comments or for someone to contact me. My friends can communicate via personal email. The masses will use the web page. I’m glad he’s working on it; it makes me feel like something is being done. Sending my manuscript out into the Internet netherworld makes me feel like nothing is being done.

I hope people haven’t forgotten!

The other side of the coin

I keep trying to break through this fog.  My biological father has been dead five months now and occasionally I look at what things must have been like from his side of the coin.

I went to B.C. in 1978 to meet my family after first sending them letters and photos.  People are amazed by my story yet I am always blasé about the whole thing.  It’s been my life, all I did was live it.  Yet everyone says there was so much more.

I’m trying to accommodate this.  I never considered what it was like for my family to be waiting and wondering about me.  I never thought about what went through their minds when I finally contacted them.  But, most importantly, I never allowed them the opportunity to make a decision about me.  I just assumed.

My aunt and uncle automatically accepted me.  But you know what?  It’s always easy for extended family.  They are impacted less than the biological nuclear family.  It’s one more nephew, one more cousin.  And this person isn’t in their primary family dynamic.

Yet for my dad and brother I did not allow for any time to take a deep breath and process what had just occurred when I barged into their life.  I accepted them immediately and I assumed it was mutual.  Even when it was obvious to me that it wasn’t mutual, I was not willing to accept it.

Perhaps I never gave them the breathing space because I didn’t want the rejection.  Yet I got the rejection for decades.  I had their answer, yet I was unwilling to accept it.  I kept banging on their door and they had too much class to tell me to piss off.  Eventually they accepted me out of exasperation.  But is that really acceptance?  Or is it just exasperation?  Can you have both?

I was more cautious with the family in Italy because by then I understood the dynamic more.  Too, I was middle-aged, pushing forty, not a teenager.  Fortunately, I never had any problems with them–there’s that extended family dynamic again.

So things seem to have worked out.  My brother and I have a good relationship.  My father is dead and I’m still in the dark as to where I stood.  Yet, I no longer grapple.  I’ve let him go.  It’s no use hungering for something that will never be had.  The die is cast and I have to move on.  I just hope that I’ve learned not to be so bloody needy.

“Hot time, summer in the city”

Something tells me that this is going to be a summer event–book release, two book launches. I’ve just finished the corrections on the mock-up. It will be FIVE days before they make the changes at which time I’ll receive ANOTHER mock-up to peruse. I’d be remiss if I said I wasn’t getting impatient.

I am to leave for Italy in late June. I would hope this book would be ready by then. I would think it would be ready sometime in May, but who knows? I can honestly say that I’m getting more of an education now than I ever did at Oregon State University.

I did speak to my brother in Dubai last night. He was very silent in discussing the book. I attempted to explain the situation, but he’s not biting. I truly believe he doesn’t understand the concept of wanting to make a difference. Perhaps, though, I am the one not understanding his approach–his life being thrust out for the masses to consume, even with name changes. I found out he told our cousin about it and she proceeded to have a breakdown. Of course, she’s flighty anyway. So, again I feel this skittishness, this fear. Yet, again, I forge onward.